Big news! OK, my impassioned plea for donations didn’t fly, so it’s time to do the American thing by getting to work raising the money myself. Therefore, I proudly announce:
Minelli Mow-A-Thon 2018
What is that, you ask? OK, here’s the deal. I’m not oblivious to the fact the people who like my message and support my campaign cannot donate thousands of dollars to me. They cannot pay hundreds of dollars to do to a fancy fundraiser and dress up in formal attire like someone who is about to go down with the Titanic.
I’m also not oblivious to the fact my primary opponents and (more importantly incumbent Adam Kinzinger) do not have this particular financial handicap. I’m not going to go down like a British destroyer in Dunkirk without a fight given that no money = no name recognition = no level playing field.
Given that money is tight, I know you want to get something in return for your hard earned dollars. Turns out lawyering doesn’t get me outside much, and I don’t like that. I’m going to take care of both birds with one stone.
I will walk around and mow lawns. This includes trimming and sweeping. Give yourself a week off (or week(s) if you want me to come back later).
So how do you get me to come to your home or business and do this?
If you are a Democrat – I will gladly come to your house and mow your lawn for a donation to my campaign. I will supply the mower and gasoline / trimmer etc. as well as campaign materials. In exchange for me mowing your lawn, I will require (a) a campaign donation in an amount of your choosing, and (b) you have to take the materials I give you and talk to your neighbors about me and what I stand for.
In between appointments, I will be speaking to Republicans and / or Non-Democrats in your neighborhoods by walking around door-to-door.
If you are a Non-Democrat I talk to in between appointments – I will also gladly come to your house and cut your lawn, but I require two things from you: (a) a donation of your choosing and (b) five minutes of your time to listen to what I have to say. And also I want to hear what you have to say.
Deal? Deal. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to set up an appointment. We don’t have to be rich or have rich friends to succeed. Hard work can win the day just as well.
I will be in the following areas on the following dates. This of course is just my schedule. If you want me to come by and mow your lawn some time other than these dates then contact me and set up an appointment.
August 6, 2017 – Ottawa, Illinois.
August 15, 2017 – Rochelle, Illinois.
August 26, 2017 – Pontiac, Illinois.
September 9, 2017 – Watseka, Illinois.
September 26, 2017 – Princeton, Illinois
And I will absolutely guarantee without any qualification that I can work harder than any member of congress alive today.
Updated: 2 Aug 2017